What will you do?

What will you do with this life of yours?
Make something out of it? Something is so many things. Which one is it?

Age will outlive you. Grayness will take over your life and hair color. Wrinkles will leave your clothes and impugn your skin. Dreams will turn into failed expectations. Disappointment will take over from hope. Compromise will rule over chaos. What will you do with this life of yours?


Turn it beautiful. With? Your answers and questions, and words. Yes, words. Words carry some weight. But how much will you change your life with mere figments of imagination given form with sounds? Will your words give you peace? Then you are easy. No point talking to you.

Those words. They will get you people. People will ponder and wonder aloud at the expense of your words. Your outburst will be their umbrella. You will be comforted by that thought. You will make more words to satisfy them and you, more for you. You will turn to those people with hope and anguish. You will call them your own. You will fall into an easy sleep and dream and remain in that limbo. You will fantasize and garnish that limbo with your words.

But what will you do with your words? Sell them and buy a house? What will you do with that house? Set up a world and invite people to revel in it? Then what? Die with a last glimpse of the peeling paint that you fussed over so much? What will you be able to do with your death? Mark a tombstone and leave with an uncertain hope? A hope of being remembered and remembered?

What will you do with that life of yours?

Words

You don’t have to be drunk to ponder on their shallowness. You don’t need clarity to see through the deeper meanings assigned to mere letters. You call a far off stony globe giving out light without it intending to a star. And you gaze at them, seek some destiny supposedly written on them and kid yourself into believing in their mystery. A midnight sky is eulogized in a poem with ink and inkiness and twinkling and dimming suns. Oh, they are but suns, to some other beings, which again we put a name to. They make the mundane awe-inspiring and banish some wonders to platitude. Humans, all, suffer from a congenital case of compulsive-impulsive obsession- that to express. That which they think and know and understand and that which they can’t. And then they want to pass it on- as their works. Works of art- an art mastered over ages.

They are lies. Every uttered word is a lie, some beautiful, some ugly. No, only those which are true are ugly. But they are necessary. Like truth and lies. Truth is twisted to deceive, and to cause- harm or happiness. Every time you say something, you steal something from life, of this existence, of being and of a expanding universe.. But that’s not a crime we feel deserves to be punished. If you didn’t steal bits of these lives and claimed ownership with words, they would just lie there, unexplored and then, probable decay greets them. From letting it be, you restrict it with words. Grab an empty space and call it null, void and other words. Fill each vacancy with matter, and if not that, call that anti-matter.

What is this need to give everything a definition, a name, a meaning, a place in the lexicon? Where do we get this urge to waste time thinking about daffodils and witches and then weaving into them a story, a fact and a letter of intent? But then, where would we be if not for them? Aren’t we driven, in a way, by this need to objectify and glorify, unfortunately- a flower, the sky, a life and the universe? Don’t we need confirmations for our beliefs and also our doubts?

Hours are spent on trying to extract inspiration from an insipid clod of clay. Silence is talked about and called golden. And those same words demote speech to silvern. You shatter silences with music. You mix this music with them, them words and there is a song. And then you find peace and calm with it. It’s a vicious unending circle-a game in which words and silence connive and conspire, to play with you.

You ask and you answer. And then you question it and doubt it and come up with more answers. Then you realize it all fades to nothingness, meaninglessness. But you strive on. What is the point of this futility? But then you’d counter saying- does everything have to have a point? Does everything have to have a purpose- high or low, a reason to be?

Can’t those flowers just look beautiful and be left alone without having a book written on them? Can’t we just stare and wonder and be lazy enough to leave it at that? I don’t blame only words now. I’d go further to claim that it is not only the said and unsaid, it’s also those that are done and not done. Can’t we just be amazed at birds flying and soaring high and envy them, but not be too ambitious to imitate them? Can’t that rocky mass be left alone to its own devices rather than be chiseled, carved and molded into what we desire it to be? But then observations compel conclusions, and actions. Or do they?

Words and actions- what came first? It comes nowhere close to the chicken or the egg conundrum. But still, aren’t actions mere manifestation of words? And words a depiction of them? It’s a cycle. Or a circle, if you please. You observe, pry and feel and think and work on those actions. The mechanism is triggered. You say some, you keep some to yourself, you put some into motion and then rest- they say is history. History is a big mistake and we like creating history- colliding and crashing with a solid wind that leaves you breathless and then chronicling that experience with pain or amusement, whichever you felt more or whichever is more in vogue.

Can’t deny that all these do seem beautiful and provide some solace, but. Ramblings.. oh the beauty and misery of them words…I’ve gone now and defied the whole purpose of this – this act- by using too many words. I should have just stuck to gazing at those things in the blue-black sky and enjoying my smoke, and talking to myself.

Cogito nimis

I think those lines on your hands could mean a lot. Else why would they be there? Must have some purpose. Those lines are changing on mine.
I'm losing my fingerprints. Its not an identity crisis, yet.
I would like to deduce that I will lead a double life, as those lines say. Paranoia doesn't attack, it creeps in slowly.

I wish people accepted that only incidental stupidity is tolerable.
I wish people didn't cheat.
I wish people weren't so condescending as to think that they can fool you to believe that the by-products of their selfishness benefits you in some way and hence accept it.
I wish people were not as afraid of others as they are of themselves.
I wish they could be solved and still intrigue,
they could be known and yet remain strangers,
I wish I didn't allow myself to get bothered with people so much.

And I desperately wish it would burn and sting on the surface, but numb the pain inside.

Do I wish these for sanity or for distraction?

volo nimis

Of Gods, Temples and Faith..

I am a theist ( Thats apparently the word. But it's more like the opposite of an atheist and I don't think I am the opposite of an atheist). Anyways, I believe in God. In quite a lot of them. They are fascinating. And also helpful and comforting, when there be need.
We have the Gods and Super Gods. The Super Gods are the most popular ones. Especially here in India.
Then there are temples- the more famous ones, which enshrine Super Gods and are all-powerful. One trip and all your wishes come true. We prioritize our wishes. The most important and needed ones are reserved for the Super Gods.

Oh, the pointlessness of it all, at times.. I go to the temple and see so many people, immersed in their prayers, asking God to provide cure and bounty. The rich and poor, the literate and the illiterate, they all seek panaceas. Its reassuring and disturbing at the same time. So many of us, placing the responsibility of our lives on One Super Being and leaving it all, almost. Why do we seek what is within us outside? Does the very presence of it outside us make it more powerful for us? We don’t have faith in our own selves but a God.

And why the need for temples? We have our own Gods at our places and do our daily worship? But does that extra effort put in to go and worship shows more devotion on our side? My mom used to say that more the difficulties and struggle you go through to “see” / “visit” God, the more pleased he’ll be with yourself. And even if that doesn’t happen, you’ve probably done too much struggle to deny it. We keep convincing ourselves.

Is it that we are looking for a refuge? Its easier to put the blame on destiny, luck, God and “the mysterious ways in which he works” when something doesn’t happen in the desired manner. I myself find comfort when I go to a temple. Maybe its conditioned in me. But I don’t want to fight it- not when I voluntarily chose to go there and seek something. I do not seek all the answers to life or truth or any such thing. Its those simple and silliest of wishes that we ask for- all that lie more within our power than anyone else’s. But still we do worship and pray. I personally like to go to small obscure temples where there’s not much crowd and its more peaceful. I can also justify it with the fact there are less prayers competing for God’s attention. However, I also reserve the important prayers for Super Gods and do my 5/ 7/11 Tuesdays at Siddhivinayak. My God knows I’m selfish. I think all Gods know that. Hence, they came to be.

But then, I look at all these “followers” and “believers” and ask if I have any right to question their faith? But I’m questioning my own faith isn’t it? And if I question it- do I have any faith at all? But then what is faith? Does its scope lie only within its defined meaning of complete, unfaltering trust? Isn't believing enough? I am a believer. But should that imply that I don’t question?
But how can I not question? There is no commandment forbidding us to think and question. Even if there were, would we follow it? Its not convenient.
It all boils down to three things: Convenience, Selfishness, and Fear.
Doesn’t it?

I have to pack and leave. I'm not sure why exactly I'm not exceedingly happy to leave for home.

I've been thinking, wondering, pondering, coming to my own confused conclusions, and through all of that, I think I'm still confused... about love, beliefs, people and what we tell others about our lives. Love is just another name for dependence and is mundane. Its glorified into beauty and romance in movies and books.
But I read this letter,

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/book_extracts/article2651472.ece

and I realize its not just fiction that provides you that escape. Infact, is there any need to seek escape? I wonder why and where to do I want to escape?

Coming back to love and all things therefore, yes I think it is selfish and dependent and the act of getting used to someone's presence in our lives constitutes love for us. But then, whats wrong with it? Who defines love as something which has to be stars and goats and all those fancy things only?? The very fact that you are attracted to someone and the more you come to know them, the more fallacies you find, and yet you chose to stick along with that life of predictability - couldnt that be love in itself?? Even if you are doing so for the selfish reason of being in your comfort zone and other such reasons, the by-product of that act of selfishness does seem to forgive your intention or a lack of a noble intention, doesn't it?

So.. I think yes love is there. Those "awww.. so beautiful" type of love stories too happen in real life.. But maybe we have to make a choice if we want to stick through it or not. The headrush of present. Or that slow comprehension and realization in the future.

Souls..

We were talking about souls last evening. And this morning too.
Mystic Baba says all souls are the same.
He didn’t say anything about them living forever.

Are we new souls? Or old?
They say after your death, your soul lives on. Lives on, in where?
Where does it seek refuge? Does the soul not need a body as a body needs a soul? Where do new souls come from? So how many old souls are walking on this earth?And Why?
Does it have any purpose for carrying on? Or is it bound by its nature?What is its nature, then? Is it the soul's nature that we manifest in our behavior? Or is it our actions and thought that shape our soul and its nature? What differentiates one soul from another- its nature? If all the souls were the same, won't we all be the same?

Consider the Law of Conservation of matter and energy: Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can be transformed from one form to another. The total amount of energy remains constant.
Our souls also are a part of energy aren’t they? They say, we will be nothing without our soul, which means that our soul is the most important factor that keeps us alive and going and hence I assume it is our energy. The essence within all of us…
If new souls are added every second to this earth, where does their energy come from?
Are they feeding away from the soul under which they are born? Souls- they too depend on others.
Does your soul get eroded as you age such that by your death it is diminished to the lowest form, wandering and seeking, the answers that you were looking all your life..?
Do they take the form of ghosts therefore..?

If they don’t live forever.. what happens to them? Do they just get lost in a whiff of air and the flow of water?

Too many questions. Should I ask Mystic Baba to kindly enlighten?

Bits of Life, while I'm on it...

My previous article was being edited for the newsletter. Being temporarily jobless, I was looking over the process and giving my insights and was rambling on about how I meant to write about something else and ended up writing about something completely different. All throughout, I kept thinking of the many things I wanted to blog about.
I distinctly recall thinking of fear and love. I've pondered about enough on love.
After that I watched this movie "Waking Life" and Whoa!! its amazing. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0243017/combined

There is this bit about how evolution has taken place for the entire population as such; how there has been no distinct evolutionary growth in the individual per se; how we all have not achieved what we possess the potential for and how there is a barrier that prevents us from reaching our real potential. To this, the philosophy professor says, “The answer to that can be found in another question, and that's this: Which is the most universal human characteristic - fear or laziness?”
http://strivinglife.com/words/post/Waking-Life-Chapter-8---Noise-and-Silence.aspx

And that was the moment for me. That scene basically made the entire movie for me.

It’s so true. All of our actions are influenced by fear or laziness, depending on the action we are about to commit.

We chase happiness and success because we fear unhappiness and failure or what we think are unhappiness and failure. We don’t do some things for the fear that the consequences of our actions may not be as we desire them to be. We do some things for the fear that our inaction may cause subsequent misery. We seek companionship because we are scared of ending up lonely and unloved. We don’t express our love for the fear of our egos and feelings being hurt on probable rejection. We are taught that fear is a form of reverence. We learn to fear our parents and teachers and strangers. We learn that if we commit any act condemned to be sinful by some, we will be punished by God and that the Devil shall take us. We learn to fear God’s wrath more than believing that God is probably a nice old chap. We fear death. We fear life itself. Fear is omnipresent, innit?

As for laziness, well yeah, we are a goddamned lazy species. All of us are bursting with ideas to change the face of humanity. But we are just so lazy that we prefer waking up in the afternoon and managing our own messed up lives. But some of us are too lazy to even do that. We sleepwalk through life, ingesting everything that is fed to us and vomiting the same bilge back. We go with the flow. But in reality, when we “go with the flow” its not a very conscious decision. We are not aware that out of the n options, the sole reason that we are going with the flow is not because we want to, voluntarily, but because we are just too lazy to carry out the other n-1 options. Procrastination is a normal involuntary action like eating tasty and unhealthy food, brushing our teeth, watching TV, etc. We delay everything that can be delayed and which wont cause too much of an inconvenience.

Sometimes fear overtakes laziness. Sometimes the latter subdues it.

The movie makes you think. It throws up so many ideas, theories, beliefs and opinions at you. And that is where you have to think and choose.
(I apologize if all this sounds as if I’m talking down to lowly forms of life or that I’m teaching two plus two equals four and not five. But my recent experiences force me to continue in this vein..)

When we see movies or read news/ articles etc, subconsciously somehow,we imbibe the opinions, views in them. We take in those opinions and beliefs and ideas without really considering the facts. I’m not saying everyone does it and that its wrong or anything of that sort. What I want to say is, there is an excess of information, views, ideas, beliefs and opinions all around us and one should examine all of them properly and learn to make his/ her own assessment of the situation and form his own opinion. Individualism is not about reading Ayn Rand’s Objectivity of Selfishness or her other novels and then claiming to be an individualist. One does not necessarily have to be highly selfish and self-centered to be Individualistic.While taking in all that’s thrown at us, we have to realize that this is someone’s view of something and this is how he/she portrays it.

So, while seeing the movie, I was all amazed and felt like “ yes, this is The TRUTH!!”. But then, later on I came to accept that this is, in the end, a work of fiction. It is someone’s view of reality and illusion and dreams. And its all brilliant. I even agree with some ideas and insights offered in the movie. But then I need not necessarily believe that it is the absolute, ultimate truth. Well, yeah all this is possible and its all cool too. But then it could be un-true too. That’s the best thing about ideas. You can just appreciate them and like them. You don’t have to accept them or believe in them. You can always challenge them and also walk away from them.

The dialogues/ lines will blow your mind away. Each one sounds like a statement of truth, beautiful and scathing. And I chose to believe, not because it sounds cool, but because I do believe that all our lives could be an illusion and we are just moving through one layer to another. And I believe that we must live this illusion. We could chose to be materialistic and perform our deeds and live our lives, chase our dreams knowing that in the end, it’s all an illusion and it doesn’t really matter. Or we could just walk through it like indifferent zombies accepting it as something which is pre-determined and which will not make any difference as to whatever we do. It may be true that the workings of ants could not cause any difference to stars and planets. But it may not necessarily be the only truth.

When we chose to live our life knowing that in the great cycle of life and death we are insignificant grains of sand, we must also accept that every second of our time is probably a whole lifetime for some beings. Even the lowliest form of life played a role in our evolution into an intelligent species. Every instant matters and every action in that instant matters. We influence others’ lives and actions by our actions without really considering it or being aware of it. If life is an illusion, Maya, then so be it. Why does reality have to be the opposite of it? Why can’t the illusion be the reality? That’s how it is. It is the reality. It is a dream, life. We are living our dreams. A lifetime of dreams. Think of it as lucid dreaming. Sometimes you can control your actions in your dreams. You can also control your own actions in your life. In lucid dreams, when you realize you are dreaming you also realize that you can control the situation and do what you want to do. Same with life, you have to come to realize that, yes there is fate and destiny, but you are there too and you can control the situation.

In dreams allegedly, you can’t switch lights on and off and time is twisted. In life, you cant change day into night and night into day, unless you can teleport ( That is an amazing possibility) and as for time.. well, we all measure it differently, some in years and seconds, some in people and places, and some in smiles, tears, sighs and glances.