Today we celebrated Christmas in the hostel. It was fun in some way..
I don’t know.
I’ve forgotten what it is to be guilelessly happy.
Carefree. Just plain happy. In the moment.
I cannot remember the last time I’ve been happy with all my heart and soul.
Have I forgotten a part of life?
Have I forgotten a part of me in some distant past?
Have I forgotten how to live and smile and care and feel??
Have I forgotten?
I just feel empty on the inside at times.
Insipid. Uninspired. Indifferent.
That wasn’t me.
Where did I go?
Where did I lose myself?
Where did I hide it so safe that I can’t retrieve it back?
Where is the real me?
What is it to live life to the fullest?
What is it to give your all into something you believe in?
What is it to love someone madly, passionately?
What is it to lose yourself in something you know will break you someday?
What is it to be deliriously happy?
What is it?
Have I forgotten?
Or have I never known?
sumtime b4 christmas actually was-- hostel celebrations.. '06
christmastime's been always like this for me...
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
hmmm.... love..??
Is love there?
yes it is.
Is it there for real?
yes it is.
Does true love happen once in a lifetime?
Yes, perhaps.
Is there such a thing as true love?
definitely so.
who could know?
a mother and wife, a husband and father, a boy and girl smitten, the stars, the leaves and the winds, many smiles, many sighs and many tears would hold testimony...
When would you know?
When it is meant to be...
Would you ever know ?
if im meant to be then yes mayb some day....
someday we'll know
if love can move mountains..
someday we'll know
why the sky is blue...
someday we'll know
why i wasnt meant for you...
someday you'll know
that i was the one for you...
...............
.... from the movie "A Walk to Remember"
(crazy song lyrics, or maybe i didnt get them alrite :P)
ahem..uh uh
Would i ever know what true love is ? for real?
if im lucky enough.. and a believer enough.
if you believe and believe with such a strength and conviction that could equal the certainty of day and night and of stars twinkling and flowers blooming... why, it would surely come true as sure as the lily springs in the pond...
or rather as Dr.Malone says...
"But it gradually seemed to me that I'd made myself believe something that wasn't true. I'd made myself believe that I was fine and happy and fulfilled on my own without the love of anyone else. Being in love was like China: you knew it was there, and no doubt it was very interesting, and some people went there, but I never would. I'd spend all my life without ever going to China, but it wouldn't matter, because there was all the rest of the world to visit... "And then someone passed me a bit of some sweet stuff and I suddenly realized Ihad been to China. So to speak. And I'd forgotten it."
So mayb some of us have been in love and never known, never realised.
some of us have been luckily reminded and we've realised and have accepted love when it came our way again...
Some of us have never been in love but believe that yes maybe there is our true love waiting for us... and maybe we'll one day know what it is, we'll know how china is...
Or some of us may just go along never thinking about it, never questioning ourselves whether we believe or not, seek or not.. and love may just pass us by without knowing what we have missed..because what you've never had you'll never know how it is to miss it.. how it is to miss something that you've never had.....
there are times when im too much of a cynic, a pessimist and a non- believer..
but then there are those times...
when im just busy doing something and my winmap is going on.. i have some song going on in my mind wishing it would play but too indifferent externally to go on n put it on.. then by some divine intervention with the system my song comes on.. n as it plays i feel that thing-- where you feel that some one- my latop/ my gods/ my fates/ my luck someone just read my mind and did it for me... someone out there is listening to my every thought, every wish. every dream, every heartbeat...
sometimes whem im playing with this kid at my place.. i'm engrossed in every ation, every uttered word, every expression of his, he'd be on my lap and i'd be doing baby talk and he sleeps off in my lap.. i feel that thing... if i could feel so so much for some baby who's not even related to me, imagine the love of a mother- the sheer strength of it..
sometimes when i'm writing or reading and i think of those things written about love--surely those things exist!!-- if only words could move me so much.. how would reality and love in it affect?
times when you are not doing anything, just sitting blankly listlessly and you get a call from someone you've been hoping or wishing to talk to someone, or some long lost thing turns up in front of your eyes(it was always there but you never noticed), or some long forgotten tune enters your mind and you keep humming it and you rush to hear the whole song, or some idea creeps in and you sit toiling till you've given shape to that idea.. how sudden impulses change your whole day....
words and silences,
the night sky and those rare sunrises,
drizzles and storms- rains,
wild flowers and green mountains,
they'll make me a believer....
anytime, anywhere..
11th may '07
yes it is.
Is it there for real?
yes it is.
Does true love happen once in a lifetime?
Yes, perhaps.
Is there such a thing as true love?
definitely so.
who could know?
a mother and wife, a husband and father, a boy and girl smitten, the stars, the leaves and the winds, many smiles, many sighs and many tears would hold testimony...
When would you know?
When it is meant to be...
Would you ever know ?
if im meant to be then yes mayb some day....
someday we'll know
if love can move mountains..
someday we'll know
why the sky is blue...
someday we'll know
why i wasnt meant for you...
someday you'll know
that i was the one for you...
...............
.... from the movie "A Walk to Remember"
(crazy song lyrics, or maybe i didnt get them alrite :P)
ahem..uh uh
Would i ever know what true love is ? for real?
if im lucky enough.. and a believer enough.
if you believe and believe with such a strength and conviction that could equal the certainty of day and night and of stars twinkling and flowers blooming... why, it would surely come true as sure as the lily springs in the pond...
or rather as Dr.Malone says...
"But it gradually seemed to me that I'd made myself believe something that wasn't true. I'd made myself believe that I was fine and happy and fulfilled on my own without the love of anyone else. Being in love was like China: you knew it was there, and no doubt it was very interesting, and some people went there, but I never would. I'd spend all my life without ever going to China, but it wouldn't matter, because there was all the rest of the world to visit... "And then someone passed me a bit of some sweet stuff and I suddenly realized Ihad been to China. So to speak. And I'd forgotten it."
So mayb some of us have been in love and never known, never realised.
some of us have been luckily reminded and we've realised and have accepted love when it came our way again...
Some of us have never been in love but believe that yes maybe there is our true love waiting for us... and maybe we'll one day know what it is, we'll know how china is...
Or some of us may just go along never thinking about it, never questioning ourselves whether we believe or not, seek or not.. and love may just pass us by without knowing what we have missed..because what you've never had you'll never know how it is to miss it.. how it is to miss something that you've never had.....
there are times when im too much of a cynic, a pessimist and a non- believer..
but then there are those times...
when im just busy doing something and my winmap is going on.. i have some song going on in my mind wishing it would play but too indifferent externally to go on n put it on.. then by some divine intervention with the system my song comes on.. n as it plays i feel that thing-- where you feel that some one- my latop/ my gods/ my fates/ my luck someone just read my mind and did it for me... someone out there is listening to my every thought, every wish. every dream, every heartbeat...
sometimes whem im playing with this kid at my place.. i'm engrossed in every ation, every uttered word, every expression of his, he'd be on my lap and i'd be doing baby talk and he sleeps off in my lap.. i feel that thing... if i could feel so so much for some baby who's not even related to me, imagine the love of a mother- the sheer strength of it..
sometimes when i'm writing or reading and i think of those things written about love--surely those things exist!!-- if only words could move me so much.. how would reality and love in it affect?
times when you are not doing anything, just sitting blankly listlessly and you get a call from someone you've been hoping or wishing to talk to someone, or some long lost thing turns up in front of your eyes(it was always there but you never noticed), or some long forgotten tune enters your mind and you keep humming it and you rush to hear the whole song, or some idea creeps in and you sit toiling till you've given shape to that idea.. how sudden impulses change your whole day....
words and silences,
the night sky and those rare sunrises,
drizzles and storms- rains,
wild flowers and green mountains,
they'll make me a believer....
anytime, anywhere..
11th may '07
Requiem for a Dream
i saw this movie on 29th april '07..
it disturbed. quite enough.
requiem for a dream-
requiem
requiem [rékwi əm, rékwi em]
(plural requiems) or Requiem [rékwi əm, rékwi em] (plural Requiems)
noun
1. Roman Catholic service for dead: a Roman Catholic mass held to offer prayers for somebody who has died
2. music for requiem: a piece of music written to accompany a requiem mass
3. commemorative music: a piece of music written to commemorate somebody who has died
[14th century. < Latin , 'rest', in Requiem aeternam dona eis Domine 'Grant them eternal rest, O Lord']
dream
dream [dreem]
noun (plural dreams)
1. sequence of mental images during sleep: a sequence of images that appear involuntarily to the mind of somebody who is sleeping, often a mixture of real and imaginary characters, places, and events
2. daydream: a series of images, usually pleasant ones, that pass through the mind of somebody who is awake
3. something hoped for: something that somebody hopes, longs, or is ambitious for, usually something difficult to attain or far removed from present circumstances
4. idle hope: an idea or hope that is impractical or unlikely ever to be realized
5. vague state: a state of inattention owing to preoccupation with thoughts or fantasies
walks around in a dream
6. something beautiful: somebody or something that seems particularly good-looking or wonderful
a painful experience. watching the movie that is. i dont know what hit me. its horrible to see people going crazy chasing wild dreams and then those dreams dying pulling those people along. a multiple death. of dreams and people. of souls that have been spent on dreaming. dreams can change life, they can make it die. addiction is the biggest harm you can do to yourself. addiction kills. addiction strips you down to mere banal flesh and bone and need.
sarah needs to lose weight so that she can look good on television which is because she thinks being on tv will make her more likeable and dispel the loneliness and age shrouding her. so she takes pills blindly and turns up a vegetable.
harry loses his left hand because of dope. he loses marion
ty n marion are stripped of dignity and life because of the same.
addiction is crazy kill.
i dont want to get addicted to anything.
i'm quitting. i'm trying desperately to quit. i will try badly to quit. smoking is injurious to health, i know that, dont i?
people die and their dreams die along with them.
dreams die and drag along people into that vortex of doom, death and misery.
a requiem for a dream. a service for those dead dreams. a requiem, a requiem.. just a requiem- for those who died, for those dreams that died and killed.
now the movie trivia~
Director:Darren Aronofsky
Writers:Hubert Selby Jr. (novel)Hubert Selby Jr. (screenplay) ...
Release Date:27 October 2000 (USA)
Genre:Crime / Drama
Tagline:From the director of [Pi]
Plot Outline:The hopes and dreams of four ambitious people are shattered when their drug addictions begin spiraling out of control.
Awards:Nominated for Oscar. Another 19 wins & 30 nominations
User Comments:Punishing and Unforgettable
Cast: Ellen Burstyn ... Sara Goldfarb
Jared Leto ... Harry Goldfarb
Jennifer Connelly... Marion Silver
Marlon Wayans ... Tyrone C. Love
Christopher McDonald ... Tappy Tibbons
for more goto : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0180093/
it disturbed. quite enough.
requiem for a dream-
requiem
requiem [rékwi əm, rékwi em]
(plural requiems) or Requiem [rékwi əm, rékwi em] (plural Requiems)
noun
1. Roman Catholic service for dead: a Roman Catholic mass held to offer prayers for somebody who has died
2. music for requiem: a piece of music written to accompany a requiem mass
3. commemorative music: a piece of music written to commemorate somebody who has died
[14th century. < Latin , 'rest', in Requiem aeternam dona eis Domine 'Grant them eternal rest, O Lord']
dream
dream [dreem]
noun (plural dreams)
1. sequence of mental images during sleep: a sequence of images that appear involuntarily to the mind of somebody who is sleeping, often a mixture of real and imaginary characters, places, and events
2. daydream: a series of images, usually pleasant ones, that pass through the mind of somebody who is awake
3. something hoped for: something that somebody hopes, longs, or is ambitious for, usually something difficult to attain or far removed from present circumstances
4. idle hope: an idea or hope that is impractical or unlikely ever to be realized
5. vague state: a state of inattention owing to preoccupation with thoughts or fantasies
walks around in a dream
6. something beautiful: somebody or something that seems particularly good-looking or wonderful
a painful experience. watching the movie that is. i dont know what hit me. its horrible to see people going crazy chasing wild dreams and then those dreams dying pulling those people along. a multiple death. of dreams and people. of souls that have been spent on dreaming. dreams can change life, they can make it die. addiction is the biggest harm you can do to yourself. addiction kills. addiction strips you down to mere banal flesh and bone and need.
sarah needs to lose weight so that she can look good on television which is because she thinks being on tv will make her more likeable and dispel the loneliness and age shrouding her. so she takes pills blindly and turns up a vegetable.
harry loses his left hand because of dope. he loses marion
ty n marion are stripped of dignity and life because of the same.
addiction is crazy kill.
i dont want to get addicted to anything.
i'm quitting. i'm trying desperately to quit. i will try badly to quit. smoking is injurious to health, i know that, dont i?
people die and their dreams die along with them.
dreams die and drag along people into that vortex of doom, death and misery.
a requiem for a dream. a service for those dead dreams. a requiem, a requiem.. just a requiem- for those who died, for those dreams that died and killed.
now the movie trivia~
Director:Darren Aronofsky
Writers:Hubert Selby Jr. (novel)Hubert Selby Jr. (screenplay) ...
Release Date:27 October 2000 (USA)
Genre:Crime / Drama
Tagline:From the director of [Pi]
Plot Outline:The hopes and dreams of four ambitious people are shattered when their drug addictions begin spiraling out of control.
Awards:Nominated for Oscar. Another 19 wins & 30 nominations
User Comments:Punishing and Unforgettable
Cast: Ellen Burstyn ... Sara Goldfarb
Jared Leto ... Harry Goldfarb
Jennifer Connelly... Marion Silver
Marlon Wayans ... Tyrone C. Love
Christopher McDonald ... Tappy Tibbons
for more goto : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0180093/
Thursday, May 10, 2007
rains...
this was written on 16th april '07.. when the sky had turned cloudy enough to allow me to hope that rains are on their way.. but of course i was being over- optimistic...
i wish it would rain.
it would be raining so bad you cant see the person standing next to you, cant see the imperfections, the fallacies, the mistakes and the wrongs.
it would rain so incessantly that you would flow away in its rhythm willing yourself to get lost in those wild torrents that threaten to suck you out of the ever widening void between you and the world around you.. like a leaf that drops from a branch and travels in the paths led by a wild wind and gets thrown away madly in the gale and yet seems to be enjoying its new found freedom- separated from its home, the tree.. yet that exhiliration to be swinging wildy, loose from shackles that bind you... let the wind play havoc with you,let it drag you away to places unknown, lands unexplored, let the raindrops siphon away all the remnants unwanted, let it whip you with such force that you feel every obliterating cobweb has been removed, only your unscarred soul -- helpless surrender to a greater force that promises you a freedom.a freedom albeit twisted and turned by its giver.. the wind made me free, i must follow its will..
would you be my wind? would you be my passionate wind??
rain rain please come my away.. drag me away..
i wish it would rain.
it would be raining so bad you cant see the person standing next to you, cant see the imperfections, the fallacies, the mistakes and the wrongs.
it would rain so incessantly that you would flow away in its rhythm willing yourself to get lost in those wild torrents that threaten to suck you out of the ever widening void between you and the world around you.. like a leaf that drops from a branch and travels in the paths led by a wild wind and gets thrown away madly in the gale and yet seems to be enjoying its new found freedom- separated from its home, the tree.. yet that exhiliration to be swinging wildy, loose from shackles that bind you... let the wind play havoc with you,let it drag you away to places unknown, lands unexplored, let the raindrops siphon away all the remnants unwanted, let it whip you with such force that you feel every obliterating cobweb has been removed, only your unscarred soul -- helpless surrender to a greater force that promises you a freedom.a freedom albeit twisted and turned by its giver.. the wind made me free, i must follow its will..
would you be my wind? would you be my passionate wind??
rain rain please come my away.. drag me away..
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